I was born in the Philippines and lived in poverty. My dad died while I was still an infant and from then on my mother pushed a vegetable cart through the streets with me and my sisters trying to make ends meet. With no education or ability to provide for three children, she put me up for adoption. A distant relative and his wife, both nurses and American citizens, adopted me and I moved to Hawaii when I was seven years old. For many years he terribly abused me and finally at age fourteen I disclosed the abuse to police, resulting in my placement with six different foster families and four different high schools. It wasn’t long before I started a long distance relationship with a guy I knew from high school and I went to live with him and his family in California.
Four years ago, I became pregnant with my daughter, Alice, who is now living with her father and grandmother. I really began feeling lost and desperate tying to adjust to my new life. I was empty and depressed, but when I would tell him needed mental help to process all that I had endured, he would not take me seriously. Every day was a struggle for me, but I still stayed in the relationship.
When Alice turned one, I enrolled into college during the days as her father worked nights and could watch Alice. However having never received counseling for the abuse and subsequent PTSD, my mental stability continued to worsen. He introduced me to marijuana telling me that it would help with the PTSD from the previous sexual abuse. It didn’t help at all, in fact it created more paranoia and panic, and I even began to fear for myself and Alice. I was anxious and scared that I was not able to properly care for myself, let alone her. I did not want to be alone at all in the house and would try to stay outside with Alice and the neighbors for as long as possible at night until finally I had to go inside.
Everything came to a head one night when we were arguing about money. I began begging him to get me help and treatment, but he only got mad and left with Alice. Being scared out of my mind, I asked my friend to drop me off at a psych ward. I stayed for a few days, but was soon dismissed. Not wanting to go back to him as nothing had been resolved, I stayed with friends, then was at the Rescue Mission for awhile. It was difficult to continue school however, and after awhile I had no choice but to go back and soon after that was pregnant again. He was very unhappy about the pregnancy and even believed it might be someone else's as I had been gone. The fighting became more intense and he became more controlling. I became suicidal and had never felt so hopeless. I began pleading with God for help not even understanding who He is. Soon after, I found Mama’s House. He did hear my plea for help.
I am learning more about God who loves me. I am attending College of the Desert while I await the birth of my baby boy Adam in January. I will continue working on my AA degree in summer 2019. I am beyond thankful for this home and the therapy I receive that is helping me heal from all the trauma of my youth.